I am such a girl.
No really.
I freak out over absolutely nothing at all. . . all the time.
I don't know why I lose my confidence so easily. Really. One little thing doesn't go my direction and I've lot my way. I've been like this for what seems like forever. Sometimes I'm better at controlling my fears, and sometimes I completely lose it and let it tear me down. I remember talking to one of my performance teachers once. How I would make one tiny mistake and my entire performance was ruined for myself. How I felt like I was letting everyone down. He told me I needed to calm down, that I was making a robot out of myself. That the "mistakes" I made were probably the best things some of the other players could do. . . . I'm not really sure that last part made me feel any better then. It sure doesn't make me feel any better now.
Why do I allow myself to go into such a freak out mode? I can't think about anything else when it happens. I'm sitting here at the music building trying to get some trombone time in and I can't even bring myself to pick the instrument off of the ground.
Why wouldn't things go my way? Why do I sometimes allow the negative to overpower the good and positive?
I'm human. I doubt myself. I stress myself out over nothing and everything. I have this need to be in control of my life, but the truth is that it's something I can't always do. I can't control how people respond. I can only control my reactions. I need to be better at controlling my reactions. That is something I am majorly failing at as of late.
Okay. I feel a little better now.
Love.
Lisa, we are human beings, not human doings. That's a cliché saying, but it's true. As people, we all need space and freedom to make the choices that are best for us. Sometimes, we freak out when we feel like are back is to the wall. Other times, we feel that we are not being appreciated.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, the trombone needs to stay on its stand. Sometimes we need to call in sick to work and take a day for us.
The words that your teacher told you are correct. I used to know a bassoonist who didn't have an undergraduate degree. They had admitted them, at Iowa to the "Professional Improvement Program." He was always second guessing himself, and it made him beyond frustrated.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteGod works in AMAZING ways. This happened to me yesterday... and I posted to my blog about it. So many times, I get so upset over the loss of control.. when in fact, I just need to give God the control. This is so hard for me to do, because I am a control freak! Not to mention, a perfectionist...
We just need to remember, in His sight we are beautiful creations, and nothing else matters.
:)
I am going to react to you reacting...:-) Seriously, I adore you, being a musician is hard...and we are here to push ourselves as people. We McMillan's are fond of Lisa Tatum.
ReplyDelete